Episode 51: Karina Mora - Dating & Marriage
Hola!
Welcome to another week of Season 5 where I’m doing a deep dive into sharing my story and what has brought me here. Last week I shared about how my identity as a Mexican-American has shifted throughout my life, and today I’m talking all about my marriage and the nuances I face married to a white man.
I will say that I’m grateful for the relationship I have with my husband. We’ve grown a lot in our 13 years of marriage, and he is now able to provide a safe space for me to be who I am, vent about racism, and be an ally for me and my children.
But getting to this place was a bit of work. I had a lot of growing to do in my own conditioned beliefs about a partner. If you listened to the first episodes this season, you heard that I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood, went to predominantly white schools, and in recent years realized that I had in fact been conditioned to date white. I didn’t realize it at first, but I would hear negative comments about if I would date a Mexicano…or any other race. I mean they were backhanded…discrete comments, but as I processed through the patterns in my life I realized they made an impact, because looking back on my ex’s I only dated white boys.
It’s not something I’m super proud to share, but I think it’s important to talk about how racism is all around, and racist ideas are passed down to the next generation, and we have to be the ones to stop it and call it out so it doesn’t continue.
I dated one of my good friends in high school. We dated on and off for most of our high school life. He went to a different school. I went to public school, and he attended a private Christian school. I was close to his family. I enjoyed going over for dinner. And enjoyed spending time with them. But looking back on that time I HEAVILY code switched. I was so proper, and nice. I cringe thinking back on how much I tried to be viewed as worthy.
I remember before I went to college, I think we had broken up, but his mother came to me and said, “we had a meeting as a family and it would be ok if you married my son, because your family are good mexicans.”
I was shocked. I was so stunned I didn’t know what to say. Number one because we weren’t together, and number two…that was racist.
She explained that her mother in law wouldn’t be happy about it, but it’s ok because they loved me.
I remember how unsafe I felt in that moment. I didn’t have words to respond. I didn’t know if I should take that as a compliment…because she definitely meant it as one, but it didn’t sit right in my gut. Obviously I always remembered that statement.
I wish I had pushed and asked her to explain what she meant…but I think at the time I was so uncomfortable that I just wanted to leave. However I was also confused by my feelings because I had been trying to hard all that time to be seen as worthy…but hearing it said back to me….that they in fact viewed me as worthy…didn’t really make me feel good, especially because of how it was phrased.
My value was compared to my proximity to whiteness, and that is racist. As my relationships continued, I felt like I always had to prove that I was good enough.
Even in my friendships, I remember racist comments and situations that have stuck with me like when I was at a “friends house and was asked to go to the garage because their parents were coming home and might be upset that I as a Mexican was in their house.
I remember thinking…ummm why would they be upset. I remember thinking why am I even still here. I was with a group of friends, so I wasn’t even thinking that anything bad would happen to me necessarily, but I remember thinking…but I’m like all of you guys. Why do I have to go outside. I had a whirlwind of emotions that I am still processing now, because at the time I didn’t feel safe or even know how to accept or process that situation.
These are the situations and comments that happened so much that they became normalized. Are there any situations or comments that are coming up for you as you listen that have made you feel the same??? Or became normalized for you but are now having to navigate through in your adulthood?
I had another serious relationship in college. He was a mess, but I got along with his family well. He was white, and his comments would compare me to whiteness or at least he placed preconceived ideas on what he thought dating a Mexican should be like. And would comment on when I didn’t meet those expectations. Toxic. And racist.
My last serious relationship was to my husband.
And it started similar to my first relationship. I code switched HARD because I wanted to be seen as worthy. I was introduced to southern things, phrases, foods, etc. And I was a nice girl. I also grew close to the family. But I would remember the “youre a good Mexican” phrase and it weighed heavy on me and how I presented myself. They met my family, and got along well. I ignored all the random ignorant comments that would occasionally slip out….because it’s what I was used to doing. At the time my husband too would shake his head or not even realize it. Now, after growing to the point of feeling safe with him, to point it out, he will definitely say something. It’s taken a lot of hard but open conversations to get to this point, but I’m grateful we are both doing the work in our own lives for the sake of our children and the future.
When I got married I decided I wanted my husband to meet my family in Mexico. So for our honeymoon we went to Mexico with my parents. We laugh about it now, that my parents came on our honeymoon, but it was super important for him to meet my family. At the time my father wasn’t super happy I was married. Actually It took my father a long time to accept my husband. It wasn’t until I was pregnant with my first that I think he finally was ok with me being married. You remember from the last episode that I mentioned that at the time we both worked for my father. And even up until before I had my daughter, my father was kind of iffy about me being married. I guess it’s that role of the eldest daughter. I don’t know if anyone has read the book Like Water for Chocolate, but it kind of reminds me of that book. If you haven’t read it yet…you should it’s good.
Anyway, I don’t think my father recognized my role as a wife or even the fact that I was married…until I was pregnant with my first. Then he started to warm up to my husband. They started to become friends. It was like my value, my worth was now as a mother.
There were also comments about oh, it would be amazing if your kids had blue eyes, or light brown hair, with your tan skin. Again my value as a mother and now my children were our proximity to whiteness.
It was annoying but at the time I was naiive and still navigating my feelings and trying to maneuver through the micro aggressions from the people closest to me.
It’s funny how even now, my family will comment how my children look more like my husbands family, and his family comments how they look like me. It’s giving very much colorism vibes….which is something that I’ve been sensitive to my whole life.
It’s this engrained ideology that our proximity to whiteness will give us more value. And I’ve made a purpose to stop that way of thinking. It doesn’t serve me as a Mexican-American, it doesn’t serve my husband, and it definitely doesn’t serve my children who have to navigate their own identity as bi-racial.
I’ve had to set boundaries with my parents about how they speak about me or my kids. Do they always honor it, no…but I also teach my kids to advocate for themselves if they don’t like a comment or if they hear a negative comment.
The important thing is that I’m making an effort to set boundaries for create change for me and my kids.
In the past 4 years my husband has been a great support for our family as we navigate a more hostile political climate. When we were first married he was ignorant to comments that I took personally or considered racist. Or situations that I encountered when I was in a predominantly white space specifically in churches that were purposely not giving me opportunity, or I wasn’t being heard.
In the past years I’ve been able to slowly open up and talk about specific situations where I didn’t feel safe or can point out that I wasn’t given opportunity or space to speak freely. He has been more aware of that and has been able to support me through that healing. He has also done a lot of realization, and listening as it pertains to his role as a white male in this country. He has fully leaned into the Mexican culture and even into shifting cultural norms as it pertains to roles in the home. He does most of the cooking, and really loves cooking Mexican food. I’ve taught him a few things and then just let him take it from there. I don’t like cooking, but I enjoy when he cooks Mexican food. If you follow me on TikTok, sometimes I feature him in some TikToks and you can get a glimpse into the silliness of our relationship.
I enjoy when he travels to Mexico. He’s started traveling to Mexico with my father every year. They go during Semana Santa to do a 2 day walk to Talpa. They leave from GDL and walk many miles to Talpa. He has a great time connecting to my father’s friends, and learning more and more spanish. I also love how he is willing to eat anything. He is adventurous when it comes to eating. This is special because I always am grateful for time I get to spend with my father, so when he is able to, I get excited for them as well. My father has come a long way from barely looking at my husband to planning fun trips for them to Mexico.
We also just spent two weeks in Mexico over the holidays and it was truly an amazing time to be in Mexico again with him and the kids. After two years of not traveling together, it was nice to spend time just enjoying Mexico. It’s some of my kid’s favorite time. And it’s so important for us to prioritize trips to Mexico as a family. I’m going to talk about more about my role as a mom raising bi-racial kids in the next episode.
But I want to vocalize the biases I grew up with. I would already feel othered and not accepted into white spaces, and it was perpetuated when I was encouraged to date people who were white, or Christian. And then when I did, I tried my hardest to be accepted, to be valued. I share because others might have had similar experiences. We’re in this process of trying to undo all the damage that was done to our self image because of these ideas that our value is based on our proximity to whiteness. We can see now how harmful that thinking is. And if you can relate you’re not alone. And we can for sure change that narrative in our own lives, for our kid’s lives, and even be vocal about it with the generation before us whether they want to hear it or not.
Pero its gotta stop with us.
So have you been willing to have hard conversations with those around you about problematic ideas that have been weaved into everyday life. Every day I’m hopeful that this is happening, but if we want to have a more inclusive and safe space for our kids to grow up in, we need to be willing to have those conversations where we call out comments and ways of thinking that are not serving the purpose of providing that safe space. We also need to be checking our own lives where we have conditioned ideologies that need to change as well. It starts with us, then extends out to our homes, and then even further. Again I know its hard work, it takes time to make the assessments, to think through it all, and then to form the words to have the conversations, but that’s why it’s so important to have a community of friends and voices who will inspire, around you so you can feel supported. And if you don’t have that, send me a DM on instagram, an email, anything. Because you can find community here.
Speaking of community I’m also excited to share our first in-person one day event called “Cultura Presente: Celebra tus Raices, we are going to do a deep dive on the effects of assimilation may have on you, and recognize our cultural strength, And how we can put strategies in place to reverse that way of thinking. I’m so grateful for the community I had now. I’ve truly been inspired in this whole brand I’m creating that is FOR us. Where you can feel safe being yourself.
Shout out to my partner Sandy from Beautea Queens, and collaborators Izzy and Daisy from the Hablando Claro Podcast, and our host location Neuroyoga Institute. Get all the info at elevatinalacultura.com/events
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Alright, enjoy the rest of the day/afternoon/evening whenever you’re listening, y nos vemos next week.
