Episode 50: Karina Mora - My Latinidad
Hola!
Welcome to another week of Season 5 where I’m doing a deep dive into sharing my story. Last week I shared about my life as an entrepreneur. And today I’m going to be going a little deeper into my how my identity as a Mexican-American has shifted throughout my life.
Both entrepreneurship & my Latinidad are the foundation to my identity and will give you some insight into why I’m building this community.
I’ve mentioned that I’m the oldest daughter and while my mother was born in the US, my father immigrated to the US in his teens. They met in Chicago, and when they got married they moved to the suburbs. They finally purchased a home in a suburb that was very close to the Indiana/Illinois border. It was a newly developing subdivision. I remember when we first moved in they were still finishing building out houses at the end of my block. My neighborhood was predominantly white when we first moved there. So the schools that I went to were also predominantly white. During my elementary and middle school years I was definitely the minority when it came to people of color. As I advanced in grades by junior high I had two friends who were Mexican-American, and knew of a few others.
It was around 5th grade that I started to actually FEEL the “otherness” from my classmates when it came to my identity. Comments about how dark I was in the summer started, or “look I’m almost as dark as you”. I remember in gym class learning line dances and one of them was the macarena. And of course I heard comments like, “oh you must already know this song”, or “is this your favorite song”. Even during the holidays kids would sing “felid navidad” to me. Perhaps it was a way to relate to me. Perhaps it was their curiosity, when they asked what kind of food my family had during thanksgiving or Christmas. But I saw it was a distinction being made that I was not normal. They knew I spoke Spanish and I would be asked to teach them how to say things. It got a little annoying and eventually I just stopped speaking Spanish to them. And I would just say “i don’t know” when I was asked how to say something. It was around this time that I really leaned into assimilating. Any little critique or negative comment about being Mexican I would store it away and try to do the opposite. I wanted to fit in. To just be like everyone else. I’ve always been labeled as “shy” or “quiet”, and perhaps that’s because I didn’t want to be noticed. I just wanted to blend in, and get my good grades.
It’s during these formative years, when kids are going through puberty, that are crucial in self identity. The messages I was getting was that people knew that I didn’t “fit” I didn’t fit with my white peers. And the moment that I knew, was when I tried out for cheerleading. I did it on a whim. I wanted to fit in, I wanted to be part of something. And so why not go for cheerleading. I tried so hard. I practiced, made up a cheer, pero no I didn’t get picked. I was one of the few that tried out and didn’t make it. Someone who had broken her ankle a few days before tryout made it, and I didn’t. She “looked” the part.
So i tried out for basketball. Now I had no business playing basketball. I had never played in my life, and I didn’t even know how the game even worked. Pero…there I went. I didn’t make it, but I was able to participate as the assistant to the coach….for my office fans…I was the assistant to the regional manager.
And you know what I did…I was the best assistant I could be! I poured my heart into it. And I was part of a community. This community was different. It was a predominantly black community. And I realized that many of my teammates lived in my subdivision a few streets away from me! I started hanging out with them outside of school and basketball. I really enjoyed my time that year. I felt like while I was still the only Latina in my friend group, I felt seen, and not “othered” I saw that I could find safety with other people of color.
High School was a roller coaster of a ride as well, where I still struggled with my identity. When I entered high school I saw it as an opportunity to start over. To decide how I wanted to be seen. I wanted to be part of the same community I had with the basketball team…but I knew I didn’t have the skills to be in sports. So again, I tried to find my people. The Latine population was still a small percentage and I continued to assimilate into my honors classes. And ended up choosing to be part of the drama team in high school. Not like the being on stage part, but the behind the scenes part. I was part of set design, and lighting/production for shows. Cna you see a pattern. Wanting to be part of something by only in the sidelines or shadows. I’m super comfortable being an encouragement for other people who are in the spotlight.
I wanted to find a community, but I wanted to blend in. It’s funny how I can see clearly what my patterns for safety were. The lies that my voice wasn’t good enough or that I was only worthy as the help or support were already engrained.
This continued into college. As a first gen daughter getting into college was THE GOAL. And I ended up choosing to attend not only a predominately white university, but a predominately white Christian Liberal Arts University. What a combo.
Now this whole time I though that if I assimilated well no one would know that I was different. Especially going to a Christian College, I didn’t admit that I wasn’t raised Christian. but really I was raised Catholic until I was in high school when my family started attending a white evangelical church which guided me into pursuing a career in ministry.
This is something that is SUPER complex, but it is part of the story. When I started attending a white evangelical church, my thoughts on going to get my MBA shifted into pursuing a career in ministry. I remember two conflicting thoughts. One was ok, this is my out of having to get my MBA and possibly failing and disappointing my father if I don’t get into top schools. The other thought was oh man, I don’t know how I’m going to end up with a career in ministry but I’ll just continue this path that the people around me are encouraging me to pursue.
I knew I was going to focus on my studies and that was it.
However, I wasn’t prepared for all the direct racism that would be sprinkled in my education… more that I care to admit. During those years, I was in survival mode. I didn’t realize it then, but I had heard so much racism being in a White Christian space since high school, that it didn’t phase me anymore. I didn’t even know that it was wrong. I just thought it was a normal part of life and would either ignore it or laugh it off. No one had even told me what micro-aggressions were. Or that people could be/and were being racist towards me. Because I had always been in predominately white spaces, no one told me or helped me name what was happening, so I thought it was normal, or something I was doing wrong or to draw attention to myself.
So I kept my head down, worked hard to keep up my GPA to keep my scholarships, and navigated the injustices I came across the best I could. I also really desired to find community and ended up seeking out fellow people of color and joining groups where I could feel a connection to culture…any culture even if it wasn’t a Latine Culture.
My specific degree is a Bachelors in Workshop Arts with a Leadership emphasis. What does that mean? I took music theory classes, I had private lessons for piano, guitar, drums, and was part of a choir. I also took, graphic design, photography, video production, radio broadcasting, along with church history classes, and worship arts classes. It was fun being able to learn all of these creative things. However when I graduated I had absolutely NO interest in working in or for a church. I couldn’t. I saw what was behind the curtain of white evangelical churches, and I didn’t care for it. At this point however I was already set to graduate so I finished…and got through my classes to earn a degree at the end, but having to tell my parents that I would NOT be using me degree in the way that we had planned was not the most pleasant conversation. Thankfully though I was able to take the creative skills I learned and I use all of that even in my work now. So not only did I not go to school for an MBA, I went for a creative field…and in the end decided I didn’t want to get a job in the field I was qualified for.
Haha. It was confusing then, which is why I ended up going to work for my father while I figured out what exactly I was going to do.
So let me get us back on track and recap. By middle school I had started to be conditioned to see myself as “other” and different from most of my white peers.
In junior high 7-8th I took a chance and put myself out there longing to be part of a community, an activity or sport, accepted a spot as an assistant in a sport that had a majority of my peers of color, which I really connected to. That was probably my most memorable and happiest times in school as a kid.
In high school I continued to thrive on the sidelines, and where I was influenced by the white evangelical church in which my family attended, made to feel accepted, but also a place where I experienced the most awful racist comments, mostly by the people closest to me. I’ll get into those comments more in the next episode.
Which brings me to graduating with a degree that I didn’t want to use…and navigating the complexity of a perceived failed attempt at a higher education. My parents were ok although probably confused, but they were still supportive, and obviously willing to let me work in my father’s business.
You can hear in last week’s episode how this is about the time that my journey as an entrepreneur started. And its actually when my identity as a Mexican-American started to shift back. I mentioned how I struggled to build our business as fast as my peers in the wedding industry. I also mentioned that 2016 was a pivotal year for my business when I photographed a wedding with my husband where my culture was appropriated.
Again I was tricked into feeling like I had made it, and actually fit into the community that made up the wedding industry. But after this wedding it was clear that I was once again othered. It was clear that this space wasn’t for me. I had enough, but this time instead of backing down I thought of how I can shift this frustration into something positive. And that is when I went to Mexico for the first time by myself. I was taking a workshop in SMA. I needed to get away, reconnect with who I was, take a break, regroup, plan…..all the things. I needed to figure out my next steps and how I was going to get out of the wedding industry. This workshop was the perfect opportunity and they had one more room left! I took it! Paid in full a month before the workshop and got ready to go.
This workshop was led by two Canadians. I’ll pause there to let it sink in. Two Canadians leading a workshop in Mexico. When I arrived I learned that they didn’t know how to speak very much Spanish. I mean… After 10 years of leading this experience… come on… Either way, I made the best of my time. I took pictures, I stretched my eye, and tried new things. It was honestly an amazing time of rest. That’s where my current business started. I started to offer framed prints of Mexico while I shared my story and taught about what I was learning on Instagram. It was on this trip that I first started dreaming of bringing people back with me for a similar, but different experience. I thought to myself if these guys can lead a workshop in Mexico, I a Mexican-American can too! I can connect with other people who desire to learn about their roots as much as I do. Thanks to the pandemic we are 5 years since that idea and it’s finally happening! Where I lead people to Mexico to learn, and connect with Mexican culture.
After that triggering wedding and this workshop I saw there was a disconnect with what people perceived about me as Mexican-American, and the harmful reality of perpetuating those ideas.
This is when I desired to be more vocal about Mexico and my experience in general.
What a perfect time to break for a commercial about my next trip to Mexico.
Let’s take a quick break because I’m so excited to announce, my next guided trip to Mexico.
Join me on a guided trip to Mexico city this october as we learn about mexican history, traditional cooking, and immerse ourselves in experiences that will cultivate thoughtful conversation about ourselves and our ancestral legacies.
This is the time to pour into yourself and enjoy a meaningful and curated trip where I take care of everything in Mexico and all you have to do is enjoy.
To get all the details and apply, visit karinamora.com
Now back to the show.
I’ve been on this journey for the last 5 years of undoing the harmful thoughts I had about myself that date back to middle school. It’s taken therapy to help me navigate all of the emotions I had bottled up.
Honestly the thing that has been the most crucial is leaving a network and community that didn’t help me, and finding a community that I can feel safe around, that understands me without me having to give cultural context. It started with that one conversation with Jasmine, for me to say let me try to see if anyone else feels the same way I do. And when I started being more vocal about my thoughts and experiences, more people started talking about their story in the wedding industry. And I’ve had those people on the podcast. Most of the people that had an impact in my career change are first season guest of the podcast. So if you haven’t yet, go back and listen to Season 1.
This is why it’s important for me to share and have these kinds of conversations. I know now that I’m not alone and it’s important for me to also show others that they aren’t alone.
Perhaps you’ve been asking yourself how assimilation has become so engrained in your life. Perhaps there are even areas that you might not even realize you’ve assimilated because it’s become second nature…but still make you feel some type of way.
And this is why I’ve also created a whole day’s event called Cultura Presente: Celebra tus Raices, where we are going to do a deep dive on the effects that assimilation may have on you. And how we can put strategies in place to reverse that way of thinking. I’m so grateful for the community I have now. I’ve truly been inspired in this whole brand I’m creating that is FOR us. Where you can feel safe being yourself.
Shout out to my partner Sandy from Beautea Queens, and collaborators Izzy and Daisy from the Hablando Claro Podcast, and our host location Neuroyoga Institute. Get all the info at elevatinalacultura.com/events
I’m always up for continuing the conversations so subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss when an episode goes live. I also encourage you to share with others because the more people we have talking about our stories as Latines living in the US, the easier it will be to make a collective change for a better future.
There will be a new episode every Tuesday, so after you listen feel free to take a screenshot to post on IG and tag @elevatinglacultura or send me a DM. You can also comment on our YouTube video if you’re watching online. I always like to hear from people and how they resonate with the stories I share. SO leave a review on apple podcasts so we can get more ears listening to these stories and we can continue elevating la cultura.
The next episode I’m going to be going a little deeper into my story as a wife. This one is going to be a trip.
Alright, enjoy the rest of the day/afternoon/evening whenever you’re listening, y nos vemos next week.
